Part (6)

Steps toward Nowhere

The next year she got her first job in a local company. She was so excited, because at last she will feel the independency that all of her friends are feeling it. She got really busy with her career and her small family, yet she thinks of him from time to time, wondering if there is any chance that he might be in love with her; she had these thoughts before but she used to deny them, but now she is starting to believe in those feelings. Now she wish that her feelings are true, she wishes that she catch him one day admitting his feelings to someone she knows, and that he is living a bitter and a hollow life after her marriage and that he wishes that he could rewind his life backwards so that he tells her how he feels towards her. These are all imaginations that she doubts its reality, but she considers it as a wishful thinking and that it might happen one day and then she will have her “sweet revenge” after long years of ignorance and humiliation for something that she did not commit. She had these thoughts on some occasions but sometimes she dusts it off because she is married and she loves her husband. However, she got really busy with her work but then her work started to get slower and fewer, she started to have more free time, she was talking with her best friend chatting about almost everything as usual, but this time she told her about her doubts, about him and what if he tried to tell her about his feelings towards her but he could not. Her friend told her that she has a fake account in a social networking website: “Why don’t you guys be friends, and try to know his true feelings?” Her friend offered. First she disapproved the idea but then she agreed in one condition that her friend will do the chat, so she will not consider herself unfaithful to her husband; her friend agreed. They added him on their account, they started to chat but in a formal way, then they started to get used to each other.

Her friend did the chat, and saved the whole conversation and e-mails it to her. She reads the conversations everyday all the time not believing that it is actually happening. The entire plan was going well until the moment when her friend tried to open the main subject with him but unfortunately she failed to start the subject with him though they had been together almost two weeks. One day her husband had to travel for a business trip and he will be away for two weeks; so she told her friend that she want to take over her role and ask “the MAIN question” and get done with the plan, after all he used to be her close friend and she will not harm him at all and she is 100% sure of her strong feelings towards her husband. On the night of her first chat with him, her house was extremely quiet only her laptop, she, and the voice of her heart beat; she was afraid. They chatted for long time; he appeared to be very excited while he was chatting with her, she was very happy to chat with him also. She felt that she was making peace with him but in indirect way. She stayed at home day and night just to chat with him, they talked about almost everything. She discovered that they both have so many things in common; same favorite songs, same movie genre, and same food cuisines. It was just like the old days to her; she felt that she was on a soft cool cloud that toke her to a joyful journey and she did not want to go back to real life.   As I said they had very long conversations, they talked about everything; they even had dirty conversations if you know what I mean. She felt much attached to him; she finally opened “the main topic” with him. He denied, he never opened his heart about his past anyway.

Her husband came back; it was the time to stop everything, because mission accomplished and so that her husband will not suspect any thing. She tried to stop but she could not, so she asked her friend to change the password to disable her from logging in, she got sad and hollow she is back to her previous life, she found it lonely, empty and tasteless. She could not bare life without him, she asked and begged her friend to give her the new password, to tell him good bye, her friend refused, she told her: “consider me a drug addict!! You can’t deprive me from him completely”. She was in a complete emotional mess she can not focus on something else she can not think of something else. However, her friend gave her the new password and begged her to be careful so that her husband will not feel a thing. She got back with him finally and he was angry because he missed her so much but she gave him the excuse that she got busy with her work. She felt that she is in a huge vortex that she can not get out of; she felt the ironic sense in her situation. She thought to herself: “I was good to him; he was bad to me, now he is good to “me”, and I’m confused”.  It’s really a confused situation; however, she continued her relation ship with him though her “not serious efforts” of leaving him have already failed. “HOW CAN I LEAVE HIM? I finally got my wish, I’m in a beautiful “fake” relation ship with him, and I don’t want to sabotage the only beautiful thing that ever happened to me.” Her friend told her “NO!! You have a beautiful marriage that you don’t want to sabotage”. They agreed to end the relation ship with him gradually.    

 

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May 7, 2012. Story.

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