Steps toward Nowhere
On one evening she went out with her friend to an art exhibition and she was having a really great time because she felt that she needs to forget about her dilemma a little bit. So as she was looking at the paintings her eyes got attracted to one of them; the painting was a bit huge that it was the only painting on the wall. The painting was very simple it was a cave and had a dark corridor in the middle of it, she started to stare at the dark corridor trying to reach its last point but she could not because it kept on getting darker and darker. Suddenly she realized that this corridor is not going to end and she also realized that her dilemma is as dark as that corridor and that she must end it, and staying in the dark will take her to nowhere. She got out of the exhibition with a great relief because she decided to set herself free from everything; she decided to improve herself in different aspects, mentally and physically. She went to the gym and addmitted herself to many classes; she decided to learn several foreign languages, she also started to take advanced piano lessons. Her schedule is full she is busy all the day and all the week, moreover, she got pregnant and that was the happiest thing ever happened to her lately because she needed to expand her family and take a good care of them. She is now walking in a wide bright path that it will make her become a better person, a better wife, and a better mother.
Steps toward Nowhere
Their relationship got deeper and closer than she thought it would be. He is as lonely and hollow as she is; although her relationship with her husband is more than excellent but he is always away and distanced mentally and physically. However; “he” got attached to her also, he likes her “the fake her”. He started to ask her out, to meet in a café or in a beach house. She showered him with many excuses, she felt pressured by his insistence she is afraid of demands that she can not accept, and on the contrary she felt angry because she wants to meet him, even in a “fake” identity. She wished for a magic wand that transfers her to someone else so that she can meet him. He never gave up asking her out, as she screams at the laptop screen: “Don’t ask me anything that I can not do, please”, she was devastated she ran to her friend: “What shall I do?” “I’m in a deep shit, I can not control myself, and I’m completely out of control”. Unfortunately, he addicted to her, they chat every day and when she stops chatting with him for several days, she misses him and runs back to him, and she finds him there waiting for her. And from the word “HI” HE STARTS TO ASK HER “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” “I MISS YOU” “DON’T LEAVE ME AGAIN”. She feels the heat of his passion, her body is on fire; they are getting more connected to each other. She knows that she should stop seriously before something bad would happen.
Her husband started to suspect her current situation. She is always distanced, smiles as she is daydreaming, simply because she remembers her chat with him, her husband caught her several times when she blushes and get really happy when she is on her laptop. Her husband started to question her, but she denied it, she convinced him that “everything is the same but you were too busy to notice” However, guilt feelings started to eat her guts. On the other hand, “he” is dying to meet her, she is thinking of leaving him for good, but he has to do it first, he must hate her. “YES, that is what I must do” she said to herself, she decided to make him hate her; she started to be mean and rude with him , she turned to a ruthless cynical person and the plan worked.
Finally, he broke up with her, she ended it successfully. She felt guilt free and unattached; she simply set him free and watched him fly away living his adventurous life. “Now I’m back to my lonely empty tasteless life again”, so she decided to start a new chapter in her life hoping that it goes for the best. That what actually happened, she went on in her life, taking care of her family. Between her and herself, she sometimes remembers him; she remembers her “fake” relationship with him. She says to herself “If he liked the “fake” me would he also like “the real ME””. “If we both clicked immediately why in the real world we act like strangers, I mean we used to be close friends”. Days and months have passed; however, she realized that what she feels towards him right now is the extend of what she used to feel towards him when she was a little girl that he is a special friend, the dearest one to her heart, that she never gets bored with. So she decided to act friendly around him, she wants to make peace with him, so whenever she sees him in a family gathering she tries to open a conversation with him, she tries to attract him with an interesting topic. Fortunately, she succeeded in her plan; they finally became friends, she was really happy, now she feels that everything back to normal she is never confused any more.
But she noticed something strange, whenever they chat especially when the room is almost empty his eyes glow and he does not want to end the conversation with her. They chatted about almost everything. Whenever they meet they chat for long time as if they are catching up what they left years ago. The chemistry between them cannot be denied even her sister noticed, she asked her: “is there anything between you guys?” she answered:”NO we are just friends”. She keeps on convincing herself that nothing between them and that she loves her husband and she will NEVER risk her marriage. But deep down she is in agony, they sometimes chat on the phone and sometimes they “bump” into each other in cafes or grocery stores. When she sees him she wants the globe to stop going round for few minutes to stay with him as long as she can. Many questions going on in her head, “Why we are not in a real relationship?” “I feel his passion towards me and I’m sure that he feels my passion towards him why we are not together?” “What happened few years ago? What is the reason for avoiding me this long time?” YES! She is in agony because chatting with him every once in a while or seeing him by coincidence every three months is totally not enough for her.
Steps toward Nowhere
The next year she got her first job in a local company. She was so excited, because at last she will feel the independency that all of her friends are feeling it. She got really busy with her career and her small family, yet she thinks of him from time to time, wondering if there is any chance that he might be in love with her; she had these thoughts before but she used to deny them, but now she is starting to believe in those feelings. Now she wish that her feelings are true, she wishes that she catch him one day admitting his feelings to someone she knows, and that he is living a bitter and a hollow life after her marriage and that he wishes that he could rewind his life backwards so that he tells her how he feels towards her. These are all imaginations that she doubts its reality, but she considers it as a wishful thinking and that it might happen one day and then she will have her “sweet revenge” after long years of ignorance and humiliation for something that she did not commit. She had these thoughts on some occasions but sometimes she dusts it off because she is married and she loves her husband. However, she got really busy with her work but then her work started to get slower and fewer, she started to have more free time, she was talking with her best friend chatting about almost everything as usual, but this time she told her about her doubts, about him and what if he tried to tell her about his feelings towards her but he could not. Her friend told her that she has a fake account in a social networking website: “Why don’t you guys be friends, and try to know his true feelings?” Her friend offered. First she disapproved the idea but then she agreed in one condition that her friend will do the chat, so she will not consider herself unfaithful to her husband; her friend agreed. They added him on their account, they started to chat but in a formal way, then they started to get used to each other.
Her friend did the chat, and saved the whole conversation and e-mails it to her. She reads the conversations everyday all the time not believing that it is actually happening. The entire plan was going well until the moment when her friend tried to open the main subject with him but unfortunately she failed to start the subject with him though they had been together almost two weeks. One day her husband had to travel for a business trip and he will be away for two weeks; so she told her friend that she want to take over her role and ask “the MAIN question” and get done with the plan, after all he used to be her close friend and she will not harm him at all and she is 100% sure of her strong feelings towards her husband. On the night of her first chat with him, her house was extremely quiet only her laptop, she, and the voice of her heart beat; she was afraid. They chatted for long time; he appeared to be very excited while he was chatting with her, she was very happy to chat with him also. She felt that she was making peace with him but in indirect way. She stayed at home day and night just to chat with him, they talked about almost everything. She discovered that they both have so many things in common; same favorite songs, same movie genre, and same food cuisines. It was just like the old days to her; she felt that she was on a soft cool cloud that toke her to a joyful journey and she did not want to go back to real life. As I said they had very long conversations, they talked about everything; they even had dirty conversations if you know what I mean. She felt much attached to him; she finally opened “the main topic” with him. He denied, he never opened his heart about his past anyway.
Her husband came back; it was the time to stop everything, because mission accomplished and so that her husband will not suspect any thing. She tried to stop but she could not, so she asked her friend to change the password to disable her from logging in, she got sad and hollow she is back to her previous life, she found it lonely, empty and tasteless. She could not bare life without him, she asked and begged her friend to give her the new password, to tell him good bye, her friend refused, she told her: “consider me a drug addict!! You can’t deprive me from him completely”. She was in a complete emotional mess she can not focus on something else she can not think of something else. However, her friend gave her the new password and begged her to be careful so that her husband will not feel a thing. She got back with him finally and he was angry because he missed her so much but she gave him the excuse that she got busy with her work. She felt that she is in a huge vortex that she can not get out of; she felt the ironic sense in her situation. She thought to herself: “I was good to him; he was bad to me, now he is good to “me”, and I’m confused”. It’s really a confused situation; however, she continued her relation ship with him though her “not serious efforts” of leaving him have already failed. “HOW CAN I LEAVE HIM? I finally got my wish, I’m in a beautiful “fake” relation ship with him, and I don’t want to sabotage the only beautiful thing that ever happened to me.” Her friend told her “NO!! You have a beautiful marriage that you don’t want to sabotage”. They agreed to end the relation ship with him gradually.
Steps toward Nowhere
The next year, on one morning she had a very bad headache, she toke some pills but did not get any better. Her husband toke her to the hospital, the doctor made some tests on her and ordered a blood test for her; finally the results came and the doctor said loudly: “BINGO” “now we know what’s wrong with you” “YOU ARE PREGNANT”. She felt dizzy, her husband held her, she looked at him, he said with a wide smile: “yes baby its true”. She was happy; she wanted to be a mom since she was a little girl. She started to prepare the baby’s room, and the baby’s layettes. She had a smooth and healthy pregnancy, until the labor time have arrived, she was really scared, but she should not be, because she does not know what it really feels like. She was in labor for the whole day, until the minutes when she was doing “PUSH”. That word announces the time for the baby to come out to the light, to LIFE. After few pushes finally she came out, her baby, crying loudly, her O.B. toke the baby and put her on her mommy’s lab, when the listened to her mommy’s heart beat she stopped crying. She saw her little girl’s face, she carried her, so innocent, so cute, she counted her fingers and toes; ten little fingers, ten little toes and one beautiful face just like her mother’s. She will never forget that blissful day that she became a mother. She was enjoying motherhood, with her little girl, as she was growing in front of her eyes, developing her skills. She started to walk and talk, she was beloved by the whole family, as she was the first granddaughter.
On one evening, she and her little lovely family were invited to a dinner party that was hosted by “HIS” FAMILY, everybody got engaged welcoming her and her husband, they were happy to see her little daughter and carry her around. He was there, it was the first time for him to see her after she got married and he ignored her as usual, she did not care, but what surprised her that he also ignored her husband, he never chatted with him. Every body sat and chatted with him except him, he just sat alone listening to his cousin playing on the piano.
She went for shopping with her sister one afternoon, they decided afterwards to pass by a cafe to grab some coffee, as they were ordering someone entered the place; she saw “HIM” through the mirror that was placed in front of her, he looked the other way pretending that he did not see her, she got mad because she found it rude to behave that way; she have had enough with his rudeness, she calmed herself down and turned her head towards him and said “HI” with a fake smile and he said with an astonishment: “OH, hi how are you, I didn’t notice you” “It’s ok” she replied with a careless tone. They got out of the cafe and headed to the car, as he was still waiting for his order, her sister was looking at him and said: “ I wonder why he is still single !!” she continued “ Maybe he is in love with someone but something happened to his relationship with her, I don’t really know but apparently he is in love with someone”. Those words were a turning point to her; she had a flash memory of every moment of her with him; when they were good to each other until he started to ignore her without an obvious reason. Now she thinks she knows the reason of his ignorance but to prove it she needs to go to her house to think how to prove it. Finally, she arrived her house she ran to her memory box, she grabbed her wedding tape and turned it on, she watched the wedding party until the moment when “HE” and his family arrived he just greeted her and her husband and got out of the hall immediately, she found that strange then she grabbed the wedding album she went through all the pictures; all of his family members toke picture with her and her husband except for him, he did not take a single picture with them; he basically did not participate in her wedding at all. She doesn’t know what that supposed to approve exactly, but this attitude symbolizes either love or hatred and it is not good for both ways.
Steps toward Nowhere
She goes to college everyday, having a great time with her friends, she met a lot of new friends and all of them were nice. One day she was in the gym, she used to work out for one hour every day. He was there, working out too; they had mutual admiration for each other but never did any direct contact. She was waiting for his first move; she did not want to do the first move because simply she does not show that she is desperate and clueless. Since she never hocked herself with anyone; so on that day the gym was almost empty only from few exercisers, so he gathered his courage and decided to talk to her, as he was approaching his friend showed up and they started to chat for a while; she was working on a treadmill, she was close to them pretending that she was busy with her “fake” work out. She found out from their conversation that he was newly wedded and had a baby. It was a big shock to her; she immediately returned back home with a big disappointment. She headed to her room and dived in her empty cold world; she thought: How men are getting scary these days. She went to the gym the next day she did not see him there, he never came back again. She got mad because she wanted to punch him in his face because she felt that she wasted her emotions on a married man and that frustrated her. But she told herself: “better for me to move on”. Yes, that what she tells herself every time “IS TO MOVE ON” she always moves on; dust herself off and go on in her life. She never looks back, never had any hesitations in her decisions. All that, after every failure in finding love, she remembers him she remembers his eyes, his smile, his voice. She knows that she can not do anything, she is afraid of confronting him. She misses him a lot, she misses her old friend who used to be very dear to her. She went his family’s house the other day for a dinner party hoping that he might have changed, but she found him the same guy that she hated, he talks and laughs with everybody except her.
His sister got engaged, she was very happy for her. She imagined “his” wedding, she imagined when she is preparing to go to his wedding. She got sad, she does not want him to get married, unless she does first, so that jealousy would not conquer her heart and that will show on her face and behavior. On his sister’s wedding, it was a lavish wedding, she looked stunning, and she looked severely attractive, simply she was the most beautiful girl in the whole party. When she entered the hall all the eyes followed her until she sat on her chair; the women started whispering, wondering who she is. He did not take his eyes out of her the whole evening, and when she looks at him he looks the other way. She smiles and she keeps telling herself: “Is it true?? Or I’m just imagining” “Does he has a crush on me?? Or he just misses me” “If he has feelings for me why he is so rude to me??!!” Many questions hovered over her head and she does not have the answers of any of them.
In her senior year in college, she was having a midterm for a difficult major subject; she got out of the exam very exhausted, she spoke to her mother on the cell phone to assure her that she did well on the exam. She ripped out few papers and threw it in the trash can and headed to her professor’s office to check her grades. He was watching her actions all the time and followed her wherever she goes, all that and she did not notice him. However, she went to the mall with her friend, they sat in a café and chatted, he was in a nearby table. The next day, she was about to enter her classroom she saw him in the corridor she felt that his face is familiar; he seemed that he was waiting for someone, sipping his coffee and enjoying his cigarette in the cold weather. She was wondering who is he especially he is not a student because he was not carrying any books or notes, and he looked old. He saw her and approached her and asked her some silly questions about the professors and she felt that he just wanted to hit on her but she liked him. She answered his questions with a smile and he told her: “ You are a smart girl; I’ve stalking you since yesterday and I did not have the courage to talk to you, but now I have the courage to tell you that I like you and I want to go out with you sometimes”. She agreed and the relationship started and lasted for one year, she liked him, he was a gentleman with a sweet personality; they got married eventually. She was very happy because at last she found the man who she wants to live with her whole life, she also hoped that this marriage might cure her heart from its confusion, and maybe she will stop thinking of “him” permanently.
Steps toward Nowhere
How strange that a young girl like her has these strong feelings and correct predictions. That what happened later in her life, all I can say that all of a sudden they are not friends any more. A year passed and the gap between them is expanding, he does not speak to her, sometimes he does not say “hi” to her, basically he ignored her completely she came to be nothing to him, a speck in the air, like a vase on a corner table. Every time she sees him, she gets angrier and more furious, so she decided to “to hate him”. Yes. “HATE HIM” that’s what she was telling her heart, she gave it the order to “HATE HIM”. To her heart it was not an order; to her young restless heart was a death penalty, because she will deprive her heart from its only nourishment “his love”. In fact, it was one of the most difficult decisions she had ever made. However, she completed her life, hypnotizing her heart to hate him. She engaged herself with her simple life which was friends, school, and her family.
She tried to focus on her school and friends and tried not to think about him and not making a big deal out of it because there was nothing. However; she misses him and she misses talking to him. Despite the big age difference he used to listen to her and take her seriously and he used to talk to her and tell her everything as if she is a grown up woman. And all of this vanished forever and just like that without any further notice! And she knows that she did not do anything wrong to him. She was also sad because as I said earlier she wants to keep her heart “BUSY” to avoid the verbal abuse that she used to face since she was a little girl untill now in high school, the problem is the abuse now not only from school! She is getting it now from her family! Her brothers, her sisters, and her cousins. She misses him because she used to tell him about that and he used to teach her how to take a stand and how to defend herself. But now as they are no longer friends, that gave her a lesson that no friendship lasts forever and that is OK! The important thing is to enjoy life and as they say: LIFE GOES ON. And she started to think of it the other way, when people abuse her it means that they see the perfection in her that they lack, and that gave her the strength, so she started to ignore them and whatever they tell her she just look the other way and never bother herself to get upset or fight them, because she knows that there is nothing wrong with her.
Finally she graduated high school; she went to college, so happy, so thrilled, at last she might find hot guys that one of them probably steals her heart and makes her forget about her cousin completely. Fortunately, that what happened, she was sitting with a group of friends, when a guy approached to them, and talked to them. He was tall, tanned, with rough features, and had very beautiful eyes. He was talking with them for long time, suddenly he noticed her and suddenly their eyes got connected for few seconds but to her it was a whole life time, she did not know how and why it happened but she fell in love with his eyes, they were sharp and pointed through her eyes and right to her heart; she felt that both of them were the only two people in the world, all that in few seconds. Finally a new “crush” appeared! She is really happy and she needed that; she wanted a new action in her life and she got what she wanted. She got a lovely reason to make her go to college every day dressed up and she is always in good mood. And every time they bump into each other he looks at her the same way he looked at her the first time: astonished; that she started to laugh at him whenevert he looks at her that way.
The midterms week arrived, one day she was having a very difficult test, her professor have summoned some of his best students to help him monitoring the class to prevent any cheating from happening during the test. He was among the students, watching them; he saw her, she was very confused, because she answered almost all the questions except for one, she was struggling to remember the answer, because she prepared well for this test, but her memory betrayed her. However, he noticed her confusion, and he approached her, she saw him and asked him to help her , she asked him to elaborate that difficult question maybe she will catch a clue from his elaboration that might remind her of the answer. He was VERY happy because she asked for his help; he not only gave the answer of the remained question, he also corrected some of the answers of other questions. She was very happy, her heart was beating so fast, she did not believe what was happening; not because that she found the answers, but because the person ,whom she likes helped her and he was really generous which means that he likes her too. She called her best friend when she got home and told her what happened earlier in college, she was beyond herself. She was waiting for him to do the next move, she wondered: “What will happen next?” she goes to college everyday with excitement hoping for a miracle to happen but sadly nothing happens, only exchanging looks and smiles; she is too coward to make a move. One day she was sitting with her friends chatting and gossiping, suddenly they started to talk about him and how half of the college girls adore him and that they wish that he would notice any of them. Her smile disappeared and she kept quiet the rest of the day, she was thinking the whole class, the whole day. She spoke to her best friend with a sad voice: “All the girls in college are in love with him.” She did not want that, she wanted a guy just for her not a guy who is like a cake everybody want a piece. She wanted him for her, only her, so she decided to forget about him. She thought that he is the one, but he was not; so maybe next time she will get lucky. However she decided to hunt for a new love.
Steps toward Nowhere
Years have passed and her feelings for him started to fade; on one summer her family and his family met in the same summer trip by coincidence, and off course they hang out there. Now she is a teenager and she blossomed to a beautiful young lady. However, her interest in him reduced; on the contrary, she was busy with his brother joking, laughing, and teasing each other, his brother is 10 years older than her, but they clicked instantly. She enjoyed her time with him tremendously; actually she enjoyed her time with the whole family. They went to the town’s carnival, they went for a ferry boat trip, and they went to a lousy restaurant with a really bad food. As a matter of fact they had a really great time. A year later, her sister got engaged and the whole family was busy with the big event , in her sister’s wedding party a twist happened, as her family invited his family when she saw him coming, the older brother, tall and handsome. Her heart was beating so hard that she felt it will come out of her chest, she did not know why. She was looking at him as if she was seeing him for the first time in her life, it was the moment when her heart fell for him; it was the birth of a new love, a new life. She fell in love with his brother; however, they teased each other, they hang out together, they got really close despite the age difference between them. She was trying to forget about the feelings that got into her in her sister’s wedding. She knows that it was what it called a “puppy love” but she wanted to “keep her heart busy”, that what she told her close friend. She was afraid of rushing her feelings because it will show in her face, so she decided not to think of the subject a lot so that people around her would not feel anything.
Both her family and his family bonded really well to the extent that they get together in every social event that occur in either of them. Her grandfather held a big family dinner party to celebrate his 40th anniversary. Everybody came to this party dinner including “HIM” and everybody were having a good time; so she went to the nearest mirror to fix her makeup, as he was approaching, though she did not see him coming, her aunt leaned to her and whispered in her ear: “Are you fixing your makeup to impress him?” she said: “NO!! Why would I do that?! we are just friends”, and she ran to him, she kissed him and gave him a hug, then she teased him about his ugly floral shirt; though she did that in front of her aunt on purpose, to show her that nothing is going on.
A year passed and her heart is still “busy” with him, but it was still her biggest secret, no one knows except her best friend. Her relationship with him was still considered as “friends”. But she noticed something strange! She noticed that whenever his sister arround he treats her in a different way, he gets really rude with her and he starts to mock in front of every one. She was really shocked by his sudden behavior. She tried to speak to him and ask him what was wrong with him or whether she did something wrong but all she got from him is a complete ignorance. She got really sad and she felt that she lost him and her relationship with him will not be the same any more.
Steps toward Nowhere
SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, BEAUTIFUL, INNOCENT. SHE WAS HER MOMMY’S ANGEL; EVERYBODY ADORED HER. You can not imagine that this little girl would hurt anyone, she has a pure soul; she is very sensitive girl and being sensitive makes one’s life difficult because every step is made should be accurate, and any wrong step will be like a drop of ink in a transparent glass of water, one slight mistake might ruin your whole life. Yeah, that is true; everyone should be cautious, alert, and careful for every step is made.
When she was a little she loves everybody around her because she was a child with a pure heart just like any other child, but as the person grows up the love circle shrinks to one person, as the person grows up more and gets engaged with marriage and kids the love circle expands again. Her childhood was nice; however, not free from bumpy roads, it was not completely a safe journey. She had her share of abuse by Kinder Garten teachers; it was verbal abuse. Kids used to bully her because they exploit her behavior of being sweet all the time. She never complained because of her perfectionist parents, who believe in ” when someone hurts you that means that you did something wrong to them because no one hurts without a reason”. She was always in pain and feels lonely; she feels a huge black hole inside of her and it makes her feel miserable. She decided to fill this hole with emotions, lots of emotions for one person. This person is the boy next to her in class. A sweet boy who loves her too; he always saves a seat for her where ever he goes, and during tests and when the teacher was not looking she used to help him. Those cute details made her feel very happy and content.
In the summer vecation she was riding her bike, she fell of her bike, it was really bad, blood and bruises were all over her pretty little face, her face got swollen in a horrifying way. They toke her to the hospital, nothing was serious but her face looked scary, her beauty vanished under these bloody bruises. She was afraid of looking at the mirror. One morning she was having breakfast with her family, her grandfather was teasing her that she will be ugly forever and she will never get her beauty back again. At the very moment she was thinking of him, remembering how much she misses him, she was imagining that they were together in the sea, splashing water at each other and laughing loudly. But she realized that it will never happen because this is it, she lost her beauty, she will remain ugly forever, and no one will look at her. Because that what her grandfather was telling her at that moment, so she cried and got out of the table. Her mom followed her telling her not to worry, everything will be fine and that she will get her beauty back. Time has passed by and her face got better and better. That year came with a major sport event which was the soccer world cup she was excited, they both turned 10 that year, she collected every picture of every player of every team; she memorized who won the cup each year and who were the 1st and 2nd runner ups, and each country that hosted the big event. All that just to impress him, and to start a conversation with him, and to show him that she is not some silly girl who only cares about dolls and cartoons.